Wednesday, October 30, 2013
*.* Unexplained Fears *.*
Fear is rarely a pleasant feeling. It sets your heart thumping, your palm sweating and your head throbbing at times. It makes you tensed, poised for the next movement and often more sensitive than usual. Yet, I do seem to suffer from certain unexplained fears.
I've always had a phobia for heights. I dislike places that are above ground without full cover/protection and would often cringe should I ever be in a position that is so. Perhaps this is attributed to a fall when I was still a toddler, or just an inborn fear, but till date, I've yet to overcome this fear though the extent of fear did diminish over the years (Thankfully). Still, I can't say that I'm a fan of roller coasters which never fails to dip suddenly after climbing to a certain height.
Another unexplained fear is my fear of lightning and thunder which just suddenly surfaced amidst my growing years. At times, I'm not very affected. At other times, all I want to do is to cuddle up under my blanket and tune it all out. I dislike the unexpected flash of the lightning and roar of the thunder. To me, it spoils a nice rainy day.
Perhaps the underlying cause of these 2 fears relate to the fear of death? Deep down, I may be afraid of dying in such painful ways... There's no way to find out though, I guess? And the issue of either facing my fears and trying to overcome them as compared to running away from them... I do hope that 1 day I would be able to conquer my fear of heights for it limits me in trying certain activities like rock climbing (I'm alright with climbing up but I can't stand the coming down process) and such. Till the day that I succeed!
I needed Jesus @ | 10:19 AM
*.* The Fury of God *.*
I am a blessed Christian and I often rejoice when I look back at the path of Grace that I've walked through with Him. My Faith has brought me to where I am today, when I am shattered, He healed me; When I am weak, He strengthened me. Yet, at the end of the tough times, when the memory fades somewhat, I forget to recount my blessings and in the face of another problem, I complain, I grumble.
Numbers chapter 11 was a sharp reminder to me. The Israelites were led out of Egypt through the various miraculous work of the Lord. Yet, as the time passed and their joy of being set free faded, they complained and wailed and said that they would rather have stayed in Egypt. The Lord's fury struck them then, and a severe plague struck them where the people who had craved other food were buried.
Lord, I pray this morning, that you will forgive my sins of complaining, of forgetting, that you're the God that led me through all the trials in my life and will continue to do so. Lord, I pray that I will not be like the Israelites. They were your chosen people, and you favoured them. Yet, because of the long journey to reach the designated promise land, they started to forget and started to complain. I know that I've complained, sometimes excessively. Lord, today, I pray that you will humble me and let me rely on your power and know that you're God so that in face of all situations, I'll turn to you and humbly seek you. May you put words of praise in my mouth and take away all the negative, that the words that I speak are words that build up others and not those that tears other down.
In today's times, I also often crave for many things. Things that I may want but not need. But Lord, let me instead be thankful for what I have and take away the seed of Greed from within me so that I may be filled with your joy instead. Touch me, oh Lord, and fill me up like nothing material could. I pray that I will never evoke your fury. Please enlighten me on my wrong doings that I may stay in your favour. Thank you, Heavenly Father. In Jesus's Name I pray, Amen.
I needed Jesus @ | 9:56 AM
*.* Me *.*
Me. I should know a lot about this topic, isn't it? I should be able to write an essay that goes on for pages regarding this. Yet, in the past few months, I've asked myself "Who am I?" over and over again and "What do I want in life?"
Our perspectives are often altered as we go through different trials and experiences in life. For me, university changed my view of the world once again. The first week of university life was basically a cultural shock and made me realized what an introvert (Some would say "nerd" would be a more suitable word here) I was. As the days passed, I realized the values and principles of our society. But still, I can't seem to find the balance within myself.
The external environment may change, but I believe that if one can make peace with himself, he'll definitely be much happier and live more meaningful and fulfilling days. Still, try as I might, I have yet to succeed in that. I'm influenced by my environment and others' judgement, which often only results in self-torment till I seek refuge in my Lord.
I need passion in my life, something that I desire and crave badly so that I'll fight for it. I need courage, to dream dreams and to chase after them. I need to learn how to love, not in my way, but in the way that my loved ones perceive. I need courage, to stand tall and proud without feeling inferior in any sense. I need to feel secured and at ease with who I am and not wish that I was someone else rather than who I am. I need to start now.
I needed Jesus @ | 6:30 PM
Saturday, August 31, 2013
*Coughs*
On a random thought, I signed in to this blog again after a very very long time. After all, the last post seems to be a little after Os and here I am today, a University student.
There's this song:
Little Mix Wings
Mamma told me not to waste my life
She said spread your wings my little butterfly
Don't let what they say keep you up at night
And if they give you shh...
Then they can walk on by
My feet, feet can't touch the ground
And I can't hear a sound
But you just keep on running up your mouth, yeah
Walk, walk on over there
'Cos I'm too fly to care, oh yeah
Your words don't mean a thing
I'm not listening
Keep talking, all I know is
(Chorus)
Mamma told me not to waste my life
She said spread your wings my little butterfly
Don't let what they say keep you up at night
And they can't detain you
'Cos wings are made to fly
And we don't let nobody bring us down
No matter what you say it won't hurt me
Don't matter if I fall from the sky
These wings are made to fly
'Huh huh'...
I'm firing up on that runway
I know we're gonna get there someday
But we don't need no ready steady go, no
Talk, talk turns into air
And I don't even care, oh yeah
Your words don't mean a thing
I'm not listening
Keep talking, all I know is
Mamma told me not to waste my life
She said spread your wings my little butterfly
Don't let what they say keep you up at night
And they can't detain you
'Cos wings are made to fly
And we don't let nobody bring us down
No matter what you say it won't hurt me
Don't matter if I fall from the sky
These wings are made to fly
I don't need no one saying hey, hey, hey, hey
I don't hear no one saying hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
You better keep on walking
I don't wanna hear your talking, Boy'd
You better keep on walking
I don't wanna hear your talking, Boy'd
Your words don't mean a thing
I'm not listening
They're just like water off my wings
Mamma told me not to waste my life
She said spread your wings my little butterfly
Don't let what they say keep you up at night
And they can't detain you
'Cos wings are made to fly
And we don't let nobody bring us down
No matter what you say it won't hurt me
Don't matter if I fall from the sky
These wings are made to fly
And we don't let nobody bring us down
No matter what you say it won't hurt me
Don't matter if I fall from the sky
These wings are made to fly...
Wings lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
Have you ever felt like flying? I know I do. I want to fly, but perhaps, not desperately enough. Why? Because I believe, if you want something desperately enough, you will get it one there - regardless of the amount of time or the path that you take to get there.
The worst kind of behaviour one can have is probably the kind of laid-back attitude I've been having. There's so many people with passion for life out there, and they are amazing when they let their passion show and shine through. For me, I've taken what there is to take, but I've never fought for more. At most, I've wished and wished but it doesn't translate to actions. Because I don't know what I want in life, I've just gone on with the flow.
It's time to set some goals. To colour my life, even if it's a little. A step at a time and hopefully, at the end of next year, I'll see changes.
I needed Jesus @ | 11:08 AM
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Zi Yan.
Definitely the big sister in the family! She totally has the 'feel'! Caring, always ready to volunteer and a very loyal friend who's rare to come by. Despite her strict upbringings, she never seemed to be rebellious like I am and treat all those around her with definite respect. Since Secondary 1, she's always a joy to be around and her hearty laughter is super infectious. Her self-discipline is something that I can never ever achieve and she is actively contributing in any group work. Not to forget, her suanning skills have definitely improved after sitting next to me! ;D And she really put in effort in all that she does.
I believe you definitely can achieve your dreams as a fashion designer! Go for it! Have faith and confidence in yourself! Thank you for the support and encouragement that you've always given! I Love You! <333
I needed Jesus @ | 10:39 PM
Crystal.
Dear dear seat partner. The long long days you have to endure with me isn't that easy, right? ;D A marvelous seat partner who's very serious in her work. Her compassion for the human race, especially those who are not as fortunate are easily seen once you know her. A person with opinions that are definitely beyond her age. Though she may seem cold on the outside but once you get to know her, you'll definitely be easily be attracted to her. Her personality with a hint of 'blurness' at times just makes people feel instantly at ease. She's always careful and sensitive to those around her to avoid hurting others. Definitely a great friend who'll listen patiently to your problems. She has her own unique working style and once she set her mind to it, she'll stick to her plans all the way. I don't recall the fury side of her (unless you mess up her hair) though she DOES have an evil side like Mr Hyde. Maybe, just maybe, after O Levels I'll mess up her hair for once and see if she kills me =) Or maybe I should do it before O Levels so that I don't have to take O Levels. She has a certain 'feel' that simply says, "Cool, calm and composed". Oh, and she's the only one who sent me the most smileys wearing sunglasses! ;D
Thank you for all your help during lessons and the joy you've added to my studies and more. Its great talking to you and even 'suaning' you! I Love You! <333
I needed Jesus @ | 10:26 PM
I realise, I'm not one to express myself freely. I'm not one that can express myself in the right way. At the end of these 4 years in Xinmin, I have a lot that I want to say. But its just not ME to simply spell everything out. But I'll still give it a shot because these people mean a whole lot to me. Kelvin started this shout-out thing on his blog and it kinda inspired me to do the same.
THIS IS IN NO ORDER.
Dawn!
Muhahahhahahaha. Friend of 8 years. And I never knew she was this CRAZY. Remembered that we put exactly the same choice for CCA and the same department. Though we've never been Secondary School classmates, thanks to CCA and being next-door-neighbour-class, we still got quite close in Secondary 3. Dawn has always been a hard-worker who always gives it her all. She's got a BIG BIG heart and was never irritated by my never-ending questions. There's so much to learn from her indeed and I'm positive that she's influenced me to be a better person in many ways. She's also a great walker that never seems to tire out from all the walking. From anywhere to everywhere, she's been exploring streets and places. AND her sense of direction is still better than mine! ;D To think that we got erm...LOST in Novena. Hahaha. There's so much I want to thank her about, there's so much I want to say, but I just can't seem to get it into words. The endless shopping (especially in Orchard), the times where she would listen to me grumble about maths and chemistry and physics..., the times when she stayed back in school and studied with me, the times when we ran around the parade square, the times she always walks past my class to 'visit the washroom'(NOT countable!), the times we had to choose where to have lunch... The memories with Dawn is not easily forgettable and I am really very very thankful to have this chance to befriend her. She's definitely sensitive to those around her, never failing to notice if I'm down and can be as hyper as anything. If I didn't know her, I MIGHT have though that she was fierce but when you do, she's nowhere near that. She has a temper that is erm...10times better than mine and a caring heart coupled with a helping hand that she never failed to extend. Selflessness and warmth simply overflow from her. One flaw though. SHE IS NOT TICKLISH, unless when she's HIGH. Hehe
Dawn, its simply wonderful having such a fabulous friend that not only helped me in my studies but brightened up my school life tremendously. You PEBBLE! ;D You can definitely bring out the best in life so never ever give up! The journey is long and tiring but I'm always here to talk, go crazy and drive you crazy! Muhahahaha. Never ever forget that! I Love You! <333
I needed Jesus @ | 10:03 PM
